Tell me what you think NSJ family: Is it possible to get better at grieving?
What you are about to read was a bit hard for me to write. I want to start off with a trigger warning. In this blog I will touch on a tough subject but it's something that everyone has or will experience at some point in their life. The topic of discussion is grief.
Is there a way to prepare yourself for the grieving process? Does it get easier? Will the pain ever go away? I wish I had the answers we all want to hear in these situations but I don't. I do, however, want to share what I've learned about grieving and how I've personally dealt with the process.
Grief makes you feel a plethora of emotions. One being a sadness so surreal that you wonder if could you possibly ever overcome it. Denial because in your mind what you're experiencing just cannot be true. Anger & guilt are also two common emotions that accompany you on this ride. Grieving is like standing in a body of water that barely touches your shoulders and yet, you feel like you are drowning. It is hard to understand. It makes the hopeful feel hopeless. It makes the strongest people feel weak.
Grief enters your world like a category 5 hurricane destroying the foundation of life as you know it. Then it leaves you to pick up the pieces and rebuild while everything around you functions normally and unscathed. Grief isn't fair, but what in life is?
You can find endless amounts of articles online that explain the grieving process. They normally mention the following five steps: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I’m no expert and I cannot tell anyone how to navigate through any of these stages but I want to focus on what I’ve learned about the last step – acceptance.
Your constant need for some sort of normalcy will have you drowning in sorrow.
You must accept it.
You will experience a range of emotions at any given time, on any given day.
You must accept it.
There are memories etched in your brain that you will replay over and over and over.
Trying to feel how you felt in those moments.
Simultaneously feeling a hole in your heart because you know you can’t recreate those memories.
You must accept it.
Life is a beautiful gift that comes with an expiration date from the very beginning.
You must accept it.
Acceptance is merely coming to a point where you finally recognize the validity of what led to your grief and how you learned to cope with it. Acceptance doesn’t eliminate the progression it took to get through the other stages of grief, it validates it. I look at acceptance as a milestone – an achievement that any grieving person should not rush themselves to get to, but should definitely feel a sense of triumph once they reach it.
So what did I do when my family experienced one of the most tragic losses last summer? I turned to writing. I fought through the intense pain, the wondering why and wishing there was something I could’ve done to change what happened. I shed an infinite amount of tears; I never knew I could cry that much. I gained the strength to wipe those tears away, and then I cried some more. Finally, I released my emotions the best way I knew how. I wrote a poem for Joshua (my baby cousin who passed away in a house fire). I fought through my tears while reading it at his funeral. I visited the area where he passed away for days following the incident. Unfortunately, none of that made the pain manageable or “easier”.
In that poem I stated that he would have an impact far beyond his death. I meant every word of that statement. During that time I started brainstorming ways I could create a legacy for Josh. One thing that stayed on my mind was starting a scholarship foundation. I am proud to say that I stayed true to that vision. This year I will award the first scholarship in his name along with care packages for 3 graduating seniors. I will post more details about this on my personal social media pages and I encourage anyone reading this to share!
I could go on and on about the thoughts that ran through my mind while I was grieving during that time in my life (& still continue to grieve even now). To sum up this blog, I do believe grief not only brings pain but opportunity as well. I am a firm believer that you can turn almost any negative into a positive with the right mindset. Does learning to accept the cause of your grief make the grieving process easier? No, it doesn’t. But it does make room for you to explore ways to make peace with what you cannot change. Cry if you need to, as much as you need to. Then ask yourself: “Ok, now what?” What did you learn while grieving and how can you apply this to your life in a positive way? Is there a legacy you want to create from it? Or do you simply want to help the next person by showing them different ways to cope with their emotions? Whatever you do, just remember to allow yourself to acknowledge and feel your pain. Then try to find a silver lining: "a sign of hope or positive aspect in an otherwise negative situation". Lastly, I want anyone who may be grieving at the moment to know that you are not alone. Your situation may feel like an isolated event but I guarantee there are people who have been in your shoes before. Consider reaching out to support groups or those you are most comfortable with if you need help processing your feelings. You have to sincerely believe in your heart that you will get through this in due time.
“Grief is a most peculiar thing; we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.”
~Arthur Golden
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